Beggar outside safeway

Homeless beggar is siting outside Ghetto Safeway. On my way out, of course he says "Any change sir?" Being Asian, i'm a prime target for beggars.
I ignore him and kept walking
I look back
A man dressed worse than the homeless man is walking by with a bag of groceries. He is dressed worse than  the homelessman. Hair straggly.
"Got any change sir"
The man reached into his pocket. From 6 feet away, threw 6 coins at the homeless man.
Homeless man didn't even bother to try to cash any of them. none of the coins looked like its more than a nickel.
The man struts away.
hahahahaha

One of those days....sigh

Took a shower at the YMCA in downtown Tacoma.
Drove to the library on 56th street. It is pouring rain.
I still have my shower sandals on. Oh why not, its still raining. No one cares of about shower sandals.

I walk into the library. My sandals are squeeking......squeek squeek squeek.
I get into the door....squeek squeek squeek....the library and a customer look at me.

Then at the exact moment - My left sandal broke!
Yes, the sandal went flying.

So I retrieved my sandal. walked with one sandal and one barefoot to the exit door. Wait a minute, this looks stupid. Walking with one sandal and carrying the other. So I take the other sandal off. So now, I'm walking barefoot.
I got outside. There is a trash barrel. I look at my Sandal. Strap is completely broken. Unsalvageable.

I walk barefoot through water in the rain to the trash barrel. I throw the sandals into the trash can. The lid of the trash can fell off and went rolling 6 feet!

What in the world in going on!!! I go and chase the lid of the trash barrel barefoot and put it back on the trash can.

Walk barefoot to my van to put on a pair of sneakers in the rain while a family of 5 happen to just be coming out also with me.

hahahahhaha, its just one of those days.

The Intersection

The days, the moments leading up to an event that changes the course of a person life.

What if you see a busy intersection ahead.  Cars crossing by at break neck speed. You have no idea if the the light is Red of Green. You are forced to blindly walk across that interception. You may end up safe on the other side. You may be hit by a car with a certainty of death.

It is that walk up to the intersection.
It is that walk up to to fate.
Imagine if that walk up to that intersection is a 2 week walk.

It is that 2 week walk I am on.
I am walking and in 2 weeks I will meet this intersection.

Get killed walking blindly accross a road or make it safely to the otherside. We shall see.

I am on that walk.

I"m blessed

All I wanted to write is I am a blessed person. With all the mistakes I make. With all the things I do to self destruct, God won't let me fall so completely that there is no return.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a person always jumping off the bridge and its like my legs are strapped to a bungee cord.

But why? Why me?

I once tried to be an alcoholic. Failed miserably.
I should be mentally insane at this moment. Nope he won't let me have that.
I tried to my best ability to totally hate humanity. Yea, he not letting me have that either.

With me, this God of mine has the craziest sense of humor.

update (9-11-2015)
uuuuugh! how a few days change spiritually, psychologically. It is now back to Loss of Hope. What was suppose to be a job has turned to nothing. All due to the same old issue. Hiding in a cave looks appealing. The threat of financial death looms again.

Debriefing

In the past month, there has been this religious group of college age boys and girls volunteering around the Guadalupe House. They stay in one of the houses with a Jesuit Priest - Fred. They ended their activities last week and they told me they began "debriefing". Debriefing? What in the world is that? I was told they gather with other groups, talk and prepare to re-introduce themselves back to the world. Detach - And they do for a week!
A week? Really?
 I was perplexed. When I saw them, I would ask how the "debriefing" was going. Curious and basically perplexed.  Sheesh...you need a week for that?

This morning, this group arranged going away a breakfast at the Guadalupe House and invited me to join. They left today and it was their way saying goodbye and thank you. They sang a song, gave speeches on how wonderful who this and that is and gave out hugs.

They left
And then I understood. I then knew.... what this debriefing was.



These were no ordinary college kids. They paid their own way. They came from all over the country. Broke off into groups of half dozen or so and went off to do "good deeds" around the Tacoma area. This group ended up at the Guadalupe House.
I first encountered this young group of kids at the Tuesday evening meal the Guadalupe house cooks for the homeless. I saw them and didn't say a word. Most likely, just another group of young people I see. They, do a little this and that and basically sight seeing and taking tour. But nope.

I saw them again the next Tuesday at the homeless meal.
And the next.
Encountered them on a non-Tuesday when somehow I manage to get into the Guadalupe House for a evening meal.
Ok, these kids don't seem to be running off. Very odd. Very weird.

In the sweltering sun, on one of the hottest weeks of the year, these young kids shoveled dirt and built 30x25 feet brick patio. For 4 days, they sweated without complaint. Disappointed when they were not able to accomplish the project due to lack of time.

They were so friendly. Eager say hello and speak to us (the homeless). And I got to sneak a few more extra times into the Guadalupe House for their evening meals.
  Their Chinese/Vietnamese leader - trying to be a good person of the world
  A freckled Alaskan girl - Beautiful being - in and out
  The 2 boys/Men - The warm greetings and relentless attitude to finish a grueling physical task.
  A one legged Asian girl - The singing and hello's. (The thing about people that enthusistically say hello and ask you to come over...it makes people feel like their presence is needed. Its a good feeling. The basic weak hello's don't do the trick)
  A blonde nursing student - The quiet one of the bunch. But just as powerful with her subtle approach to "Good Deeding"
 

So when they left this morning.........it hit me hard. It is back to the Van. It is back to the samo grind each day. Avoiding people. Sometimes acting angry to keep the crazies off. - A realization you don't know when the next time you can have a genuine connection with someone. Someone who accepts you are homeless and its ok.

       So I wonder if their "debriefing" is the reverse of mine.

       For a couple weeks, I had friends. Last week I went to a meetup with a bunch of web coders. http://www.meetup.com/seaphp/events/223918305/   And again the same insulting treatment. A life time on the street has heightened my sense of perception. The way they talk, the way they look at you. I look homeless and they gave the best effort not to show  they knew I was homeless but I saw it in their eyes. 2 people there were involved with companies in the Tacoma area specializing in web development. Their whole business is helping build website with PHP. Both showed no interest in; knowing about my project, looking at it and of course helping. I politely sat there quiet for 45 minutes and excused myself and left.
    Anger, sadness, a sense you are sub-human - all rolled into one.
 But this time it was different, for this time, I had a friend(s). I walked straight to the College kids house behind the Guadalupe House. Caught their leader and a couple of them outside. Got it all off my chest and felt good.

                  Its amazing how a friendly face makes the world better.

But that is not reality. That is Not my reality.

My reality is a cellphone that never rings.
My reality is spending all day stealing electricity for my phone
                   - Lining up at the mission or Church for food
                    -There is no one to trust but myself.
                   - Surrounded by criminals and drug addicts, I swim their world with an angry appearance.
My reality is no real friends and loneliness.

With these college kids...I now understand "debriefing". It was nice having a friend. But now, it is to detach. I suppose the feeling is similar to watching a family member fly away after they visit you.

One of the homeless, A black man, had gotten to know the tall blonde college girl. I saw him walking by Mcdonalds yesterday. It is back to straying the streets. He at this moment is wandering. Walking. Around. Alleys, sidewalks.


    NOw, there are tons of people that talk to the homeless. There are groups of high school kids that come through. I meet church groups that feed me almost on a daily basis......So what makes this group different?
       The difference is they have decided to engage us with Love......not Pity.

There is a difference. A big one.
           A really big one. For I can get plenty of pity. It is plentiful. And I don't want it.

So......I don't know what the kids debriefing is. I suppose it is the opposite. It is the realization the world is not filled with crazy homeless, drug addicts and the mentally ill. The real world is actually a good place. A world where caring for family, and working is the norm of importance. And that should be the real world. I would like that world.

I don't know what they did for "Debriefing" but now I understand why.




BTW - I purposely did not want to proof read. What grammatical mistakes is there, so be it.
BTW #2. They left this morning. I just now walke into the library. There is a function for whatever crazy reason...they held it next to the bathroom. hahahaha

On the other side of the bathroom is some snacks.

But it is now reality. If I were to go up there and grab a snack, there would be 2 possible reactions.
Oh its some homeless guy. Lets just grumpily silently let him take a little.
or its...Hey, sorry these are only for guests. Please go away. (at a public event in a library)

With the college kids, I could take food from them without feeling of shame or a feeling of burden. Like you do to friends.
But it reality. And reality is -  I am different and should be treated as such.

Money can buy a Soul

If a store sold "Friends" we would all gladly pay for one. 

The worst and biggest lie is - Money can't buy happiness

Oh yes it can.

If I had money, I would not be lonely. People will allow them into your circle. I would not freeze at night. I would have prestige in some circles. It buys happiness.


A long close friend of mine is rich.  He flies from country to country. His wealth is not important. The bottom line - he is not poor. In desperation, I told him I am living in a van. I told him, my bank account was in the negative. But what I would like, is money for my for my website. He then began the 1 hour conversation. mostly on my website idea. He did not offer to give me money. I did not ask directly. But living in a Van...no money left in bank account? He left me with the word "Call me and ask me for money if you need it and I will see what I can do"
Days passed, he never called me to ask how I am.
Days passed, I never called him.


Weeks later, I met the Taiwanese Church representative. After meeting him, I went to beg money from another friend. She is a student in her early 20's. We have only known each other when we used to volunteer together at a Medical Center. I bluntly told her, I need to borrow money. She immediately said "Yea, no problem". There was no questions of why or how come. She makes minimum wage. After she pays her bills, at the end of the month she will give me what she has left.


Friends are hard to come buy in life. If the Walmart sold "Best Friends" for life....how much are you willing to pay? How much is a "Friend" worth? hundreds? Thousands? Millions?

The bottom line is....if you can buy a friend...you would pay for one. They are precious.

A church could have bought my soul. (Les Miserables)


By loaning me money, my minimum wage friend has now bought my friendship for life. 

Money can buy happiness, friendships and souls.

What I learned in 2014 - Broken man

I continue to see evidence the Church is not for me. And yet, again and again, God makes his presence known to me.

Ok, a delusional statement is about to come - My life has been following the path of 2 movies.


Have I not suffered enough? Have I not suffered the most painful sentence handed to a man - loneliness? When does it end?

.....No, in 2014 I realized God's wisdom. No, I have not suffered enough. For I all my life, I had never begged. No matter what dire environment I have been in, I never begged. I had pride. It was not until this year.
I had to beg. Begging, it breaks a man down. For with begging, is fear. I have faced the most evil men on earth, the most physical environments.  I have no fear. It was not until now, I knew fear. Pride gone. I had to beg.

Once you beg, you are faced to face with death. You are nothing. Your very existence is now in the hands of others. Do they wish to save you? You are humbled.


I am on the path of the movies Good Will Hunting and Les Miserables. Good Will Hunting is already played out in my life.
Now I'm on the path of Les Miserables. In order for his soul to be saved, Valjean had to be broken to his knees. I know see the ways of my failures. I failed myself. And God keeps on trying to save me.