Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Physically strong, Mentally weak

About 2 weeks ago, it snowed like crazy. Then the very following day, it was like 70 degrees. Global warming, Climate Change, ...whatever you want to call it. Its happening.

Its been around 36 degrees when I wake up in the morning. Yesterday, I had the candle lit when i woke up. I could see my breath. If you can see your breath inside a van, I say its pretty chilly.

I don't mind the physical inconvenience of being homeless. When I was 15, I was so exhausted and found a secluded placed next to a railroad track. I was shivering so bad trying to fall asleep. The hard ground was not helping at all. Compared to the railroad tracks, my van is a oasis.

So now, I have a huge tolerance of pain. There's been many times, I've cut myself and would not realize it. It just feels like a itch until I see the blood.

The hard part of being homeless is the mental aspect. The loneliness. The boredom. I can't remember the last time I've had a conversation with someone besides Tran. Must be months now. Saying hello to customers at my job or ordering a coffee is hardly a conversation. I trully miss my son. It really hurts inside.

Last night I sobbed in my van before I went to sleep. I sittiing there dreaming how I"ve never had a home in my life. Of course I've lived in houses and apartments before in my life...But never a home.

I was dreaming how nice it would be, To wake up in the morning and have someone to say good morning to. To know you love someone and they love you. And then I couldn't keep the tears from falling.

The few years I lived with Kim and when Benjamin was born....I never felt loved. I do miss my son so much.

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